People say that ‘hate’ is a strong word and I agree most of the time; people don’t hate every little thing, they just dislike certain behaviours/beings and avoid them where possible, and this is the case for the majority of things, all but one..

This one is for you, parents.

It’s something that really gets on my tits, makes me irate; you could even say it grinds my gears on a whole new level. Want to know what it is?

Naked children at the beach.

I know what you’re thinking at this point: “MasterQueef, children are so innocent and they don’t dress themselves, they can’t help it”. At this point I’d like to refer to a few sentences back when I said ‘This one is for you, parents’ because it is entirely your fault that I hate you and your child. Why would you let them in the sea naked?! I know wearing some form of bathing suit doesn’t add that much protection to the ‘elements’, but at least put some fucking bottoms on the poor sod! I don’t want to see your little shit running Baywatch style through the dirty, salty water towards me showing me everything, it’s highly inappropriate and, worst of all, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Who wants to look up and see a toddler penis jiggling about while they frolic in the sea? Not me that’s for sure.

Okay, if your little girl doesn’t want to wear a full swimsuit or bikini, fair enough, but at least put something on her bottom half… Just think to yourself ‘who could be watching my small child in this very public area?’, you wouldn’t have a clue if there was some creepy paedophile sat 10 metres away from you taking snaps for his filthy fucking collection. Obviously there aren’t paedophiles chilling on every beach waiting for all the kids to come out naked, but it’s just a precaution, you know? I have never, in almost 18 years of living and about 14 of swimming, seen a child naked in a swimming pool, so why is it suddenly acceptable in the sea? I’ll answer that for you. It’s not.

Actually, I think that you shouldn’t cover your child up, it’s your parenting and you can fuck with them how you like, but next time I see you I am going to get butt naked and run towards you flailing about in the salty water, penis on full show, smacking into my legs as I run. After all, I’m still technically a child, right?

Consider this a formal warning: If you ever see me at a beach; make sure, for you, and your child’s sake, that they are wearing at least some form of clothing or else my one eyed trouser snake will be let out of its cage. Let’s see how you like it.


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