Hello, my name is Nighteyes and I suffer from a general anxiety disorder.
While this may be a pretty heavy topic to write my first post about, this will probably affect some opinions in future posts so I thought to myself: ‘why not?’. Now you, as the reader, should know now that this is pretty difficult to talk about, seeing as unless you’re in the same boat, you won’t really know what it’s like first hand; so I’m very grateful that you’ve decided to read this, and I’ll try my very best to get what I mean across to you.
A very good analogy I found is using the weather; it suddenly starts raining and you don’t have an umbrella. Everyone else seems to have an umbrella and they ask you ‘why don’t you just buy an umbrella?’. But the issue is that you can’t just ‘buy an umbrella’, and the weather just keeps getting worse and worse.
Let me explain you a thing: in my mind it could be the end of the world, but most of the time it’s usually something that other people wouldn’t consider a problem. And it nags at your mind. Over. And over. All day long. It gets to the point where you can’t take it any more and you snap. Just because you forgot your keys. There’s a very simple solution to the problem, but despite knowing that I can’t help but think that I’m an idiot, and the feeling just doesn’t go away. I know that it’s such a simple thing to do, so I should be able to do it. Or at least that’s what I’m told.
“You’re a responsible adult now.”
“You’re 16 years old; you should be able to make a phone call.”
“Just calm down, it’s not that bad.”
“You always worry, why don’t you just relax and stop thinking about it.”
Those statements all make perfect sense, and yet it’s not that easy. It’s fine and all to say those things, but doing them is another matter entirely; which is a really frustrating thing for me. I feel like I don’t function the same way normal people do because of this thing holding me back. And I wish I could just get over it, but I can’t. It sounds like I’m making the same horrible excuse over and over but I just can’t.
Sometimes I make progress and it feels like I’m getting better: I make friends and laugh and smile without feeling like I’m about to cry, but if I say something stupid in a conversation, or I forget to do one small thing I was asked to do – BAM – I’m back to square one.
It’s also very hard to find people who can help you with it; it’s fine at first, but I can’t help feeling paranoid that they’ll get sick of dealing with it, making me pull away, which doesn’t make the situation any better.
Another issue I have is that I feel my opinion isn’t valued much. Sure, I can talk at people but I never feel like I have a lasting effect on them. I tend to feel worthless and like there’s no point in me trying to live a decent, healthy life, because what’s the point in being happy now if I know I’m going to be sad later?
This post may not make much sense, but then again the same can be said for anxiety itself. To round off here is a link to a video that explains it a lot better than I can (at least the first part does).
Thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope that this has helped you understand the situation that people like myself are in a little better.